The Television

Things we have seen on Kazakh TV ...

A samurai is running through what looks like a hotel hallway. He breaks down one of the hotel room doors, but he cannot fit through the door because of his huge shoulder pads. He turns sideways so that he can get in. He enters the first room. There is a table with prescription drug bottles. He looks at them …

A pre-teen girl is riding an old-fashioned elevator (the kind where you can see out of the metal gate). Dramatic music is playing. This movie was made in the late 1970s. She is very melancholy. She is hanging onto the metal gate, with her fingers curling around it. There is a sense of desperation. Her elevator is going down, and she is looking down as if she is watching for something in particular. There is another elevator shaft right next to hers and she is facing the other elevator. This elevator is coming up, and there is a pre-teen boy riding it. He doesn’t look so desperate. He looks casual. He sees her. He grabs onto the caging of his elevator as they pass each other (she is going down and he is going up). Now the elevators change direction and they are passing each other again. The boy is more interested. There is a sexual undertone. Music is playing the whole time and no dialogue. This continues several times. The boy and girl look like they want to devour each other. The movie ends and the credits roll.

It’s the OSU-Michigan game (one week after it took place). There is a Russian announcer. He says Ohio State Boo-kyes. He says Meesh-a-gahn. He says Tooch-don!

Germans are dancing around in a garden circa 1976. They are wearing Brady Bunch clothes. They are dancing Lawrence-Welk style. They are all very big and look like they take steroids. Half an hour later, there are no more adults. Only children remain in this movie. They are dancing and singing through a village. They are carrying gigantic strings of linked hotdogs over their heads and parading the hotdogs through the streets. There is some kind of argument. One boy opens a box and takes something out and sings a solo in his lederhosen. All of the children seem to come to a consensus based on the content of his song.

A man and woman are naked in an old-fashioned bathtub. The man is freezing cold and shivering like mad. Another man, outside the tub, is handing him shots of vodka. The woman is laughing and flirting. The cold man is confused. He may not speak their language. The two warm ones are drunk. It is obvious that they are trying to warm up the cold one. The woman is wearing too much makeup. This movie is also from the 1970s. They sit around like this for several minutes. Warm woman in hot tub with cold shivering man. Another man hands them shots of vodka. The cold man looks scared.

This one is a sitcom and we see it all the time. There is a man and a woman. Both are cops. They have a dog. In one episode, the woman is sleeping in a tent. She wakes up and all of her clothes have been stolen. A young man is questioned. He explains why there are no clothes. At least I think he explains. I do not know, because everything is in Russian.

There is a claymation on at least one channel at any given time.

A woman is cutting green peppers. Then red peppers. Then banana peppers. A close-up of a plate being filled with green peppers. A doctor-looking woman is talking. A pretty girl eats a green pepper. She looks very happy. She is happy specifically because of the green pepper. More close-ups of cutting the peppers. More doctor. A picture of a lemon. Now peppers. More shots of the pretty girl (except with bad teeth) eating the peppers. Is this a promo piece for the health benefits of peppers? I watch for nearly 15 minutes, and everything is peppers, peppers, peppers.